2001-07-01 - 12:06 a.m.
Today the future seems very uncertain and the world is a cold and unforgiving place.
Hey, I kind of like that opening. It's just cliched enough.
The purpose of being in Ripon this summer was to save money so I could afford school next year.
The reality is I have so far managed to get a part time job for minimum wage. I watch as my bank account empties itself between deposits. Next week I get paid, and already $230 of the check (I average around $235) is spoken for.
The reality is that living here is actually starting to cost me money, and I haven't been able to find another job yet. Not for lack of trying.
The reality is that I'm going to have to dig myself deeper into debt to afford to stay here the rest of the summer and/or return to school next year.
The reality is I'll never get out of this debt because I'll never get a job better than the one I have.
The reality is that I am a very good actor. I'm good enough to be successful at it, and can be, because I am confident in my abilities.
The other reality is that damn near everyone who tries to be an actor is good enough to make it. It's all just a matter of getting the chance to convince someone you're the one they want, that they should hand the football off to you.
The reality is I'll probably never get that handoff, no matter how far I can carry the ball. It's not a knock on me, because if I get half a chance, they'll never want anyone but me. But the cold hard fact is that I have little to no odds of getting that chance in the first place.
The reality is that college won't help those odds any, and that I'm running myself into an unrepayable debt for no readily apparent reason.
The reality is that I'll be working other, crappy jobs for the rest of my life while I go to audition after audition, and that I'll always, always, always be at least 5 figures in debt, for the rest of my life.
I hate it. I have to figure out how I'm going to eat on $4 to last me for the next three weeks until I get paid again. I want to be able to send my mother a nice present on mother's day. Or shower my love with gifts on her birthday. And it's hard to accept that those things will never be able to happen.
But the reality is I'll always be poor because I'm chasing a dream that will never come true.
Don't let the tone of this entry fool you though. It's not like I'm going to stop pursuing this dream. It's the one and only thing I want to do with my life. The only occupation that could possibly make me happy. And I'm never going to stop building my life around it. It's just that today was a day for introspection and realization of exactly how much I'm going to be giving up for this, probably forever.
Still, I think it's worth it. I can live without money. But I need to perform in some capacity or another. Without it, I honestly think I would wither away.
So now is when I brace myself and remember why I'm doing this in the first place...actually, I first started acting in high school because I thought it would help me get girls more easily.
Did it pay off?
Not in high school, but I was such an unattractive chode in high school nothing would help me.
Nowadays, I think so. I mean, I have a wonderful girlfriend, (even if she didn't call today like she said she would, which was the other thing that made me sad today. Wej understands what I mean.) And, actually, my wonderful girlfriend seemed for the longest time like a dream that would never come true. Hmmm....
So now I realize that it is worth it. I remember why I'm here, and I resolve to go on. And then I go to bed, and think warm thoughts of my wonderful girlfriend coming to see me perform, and tomorrow I'll wake up and this feeling of morbid, dreadful sorrow will all have gone away.
Because I have to do this. I can never love any other job.
Ken
P.S. In spite of my positive ending here, I would still feel a lot better if someone would be willing to pay me $5 to have me come to their house and do some stand up comedy/improv for a while? Anyone?
�
