2001-06-29 - 3:40 p.m.
It never ceases to intrigue/amaze me that I can sit in front of this computer monitor for minutes at a time with absolutely nothing to say, and yet, at the weirdest times, my internal monologue turns into an idea for an entry in this damn thing. I think writing here has begun to condition me to pattern all my thoughts in terms of diary entries, as opposed to the monosyllabic grunts and colored emotions that previously occupied my brain.
For example, last night, I was cleaning up my room a bit, with my walkman turned up so loud other people could hear it in the next room (yeah, when I get antisocial, I go all out. Hearing be damned. FYI- I don't wear sunglasses because the sun is too bright for me. Remember, I grew up in a desert and never wore shades before now. I just wear them because then I can pretend not to see people, and they can't get mad at me for it.)
Anyhow, a line from the movie "Beyond the Mat" (no, this isn't going to turn into another entry about how much I love wrestling, or another instance of me wearing pantyhose on my arms again, although the movie is very good, even if you're not a wrestling fan.) kept popping into my brain...
Vince McMahon- "It's very difficult to differentiate between Jake Roberts the performer and Jake Roberts the person, because quite frankly, I never knew which one I was talking to. And I don't know that they're not the same."
As I kept repeating it in my head, it dawned on me to wonder if the same could be said of me. Just put "Ken Dillon" in place of "Jake Roberts." I decided that a justifiable case could be made for that to be true and began listing reasons why in my head. Then I started listing reasons why it wasn't true in my head. (That list was considerably shorter, because the only reason I could think of that it wasn't true was that I know, in my head, that Performer Ken and Real Ken are two different people. Even if I don't always know which is which. I mean, it's not like you can turn one on like a light switch.)
Then I had to justify my own existence by trying to prove in my head that I was still a worthwhile and trustworthy person despite not always knowing when I'm performing and when I'm being genuine.
I do know sometimes. I promise that. Some people, like Tammy and Wej, have this irresistible pull that forces me to be one or the other all the time. (Those two make me be Real Ken, although Wej can inspire great performances from Performer Ken when others are around.)
Anyhow, I did all this last night, when I couldn't have gotten to a computer for love or money. It was just in my head. If I'd been here, I'd have written it down in one of those funky Ken talks to Ken dialogues of mine. Instead, I get to the computer 20 minutes ago, and I have to write a summary just to have something to type here.
Off to work, since i"m obviously too stupid to be allowed on one of these things.
Tammy, I miss you a lot (shut up, Wej. Stop snickering) and I look forward to you calling tomorrow.
Ken
�
