2016-01-24 - 7:31 p.m.
So I was having a conversation with Sarah Kramer this weekend about idiot relatives and it gave me a great idea for a new business venture I’d like to announce:
How many of you have horrible relatives that you dread seeing every holiday, hate talking to, and wish you could just put in their place? Don’t lie, I know you do. We ALL have one or two of those idiots in our family tree. It’s simple logic. The world is full so full of idiots it’s impossible not to have a couple in your family, extended or immediately. Even if it’s just in-laws (Especially if it’s in-laws, said the old timey stand up comic.)
But for whatever reason, you can’t tell them off. Whether it’s cause it’ll make your parents disappointed in you, or cause you see them too often to make future gatherings that awkward, or cause they are close to death, whatever. You have to just bite your tongue when they start their little irritation dance.
Maybe you can’t say anything to them...but I CAN!
Yes, for a modest fee plus expenses, I will travel with you as your guest to your next family affair, and I will tell that awful relative exactly what you have always wanted someone to say to them.
Wish someone would tell your racist grandpa to shove it? I’ll do it while you shoot video of the look on his face.
Need someone to tell your anti-vaxxer cousin that she’s literally the worst person on earth? I’ll reduce her to tears while you smile inside.
Wish anyone would point out to your lazy uncle exactly how much of a stupid screw-up he is and tell him to go get a damn job already? I gotcha covered.
If you’re worried about staying in your family’s good graces for whatever reason (like not wanting to get written out of the will or cause you realize you are in a glass house yourself but you still want to see someone chuck some stones), I guarantee discretion. You can even be the one to tell me off for being out of line to your family and throw me out of the house. Boom, you look like a hero but your jerk relative still got the verbal smackdown they had coming to them, and you got to see it.
Wanna record it for posterity? go nuts. Wanna write out a script of exactly what you want to make sure this jackass hears? I’m down. I don’t care who the relative is or what they need to hear. I’ll unload on them with an infinitely small number of fucks given, cause i’m never gonna see them again!
My skills as an actor and improviser and my remarkable ability to offend people mean that when the time is right, I’ll hit them right where it hurts. (in the psyche, i mean. No physical violence of any kind. You do your own dirty work there)
This offer clearly doesn’t extend to any members of my actual family. It also doesn’t apply to friends whose family members I see on a regular basis. (seriously, I can’t tell off your families, they are delightful.)
But if you’ve got an idiot relative. If they’ve never met me and likely wouldn’t ever under other circumstances. And if you want to see them get told exactly how many dicks they can go eat, maybe you can hire:
Ken
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