2009-12-01 - 8:23 p.m.
What about when buildings fall
What about that midnight phone call
The one that wakes you from your peace?
What about them indeed? I was sleep dialed on Sunday night at 2:13am. Purely by accident, thankfully, as the caller fell asleep on her phone, something I can totally understand cause I do it so often I have a permanent indentation between my shoulder blades. I was just relieved it turned out to be an accident, because I can only think of a legitimate reasons to call someone at 2:13am, and none of them are good things. Usually they involve people dying or getting raped or being in Detroit or something hideous like that. Also I was relieved because it turning out to be nothing helped lessen the guilt of the fact that I didn't answer that call, although in my defense, I didn't turn to the phone in time because I was so out of it when I woke that I kept swatting at my alarm clock and wondering why it wouldn't shut the hell up.
"This is why we get along so well, Ken- you're even more cheerful than I am." - Mark B
So despite the sleep deprivation I made it through the day, and settled into bed early last night for some catch-up sleep. I was just drifting off to the happy land where I'm a viking when the phone rang. Again.
"Lollercopter, Ken," cries the know-it-all jackass (you), "Why don't you just silence your phone when you go to bed?"
Does it make you feel like some kind of super genius to point out the obvious solution to every problem? Well it shouldn't. My phone, being a cheap piece of crap, has some funky quirks to it. For example, the charger and the headset use the same jack. Also it gets about 20 minutes of useful battery life for every hour of charging you put into it. Also whenever it's plugged into the charger, like I had to do last night cause the battery was almost dead, it automatically kicks up to highest volume and can't be turned down. Apparently the designers figured you'd charge it while you slept and wanted to make sure you didn't have to worry about missing any important ass-dials while that was happening.
ALthough in this case I was almost glad for it. Cause I was being drunk-dialed.
Rewind awhile back, and I had been flirting with this semi-cute nurse at my office every now and then. I say semi-cute because she vaguely resembled a girl I did find cute. She left for another job and we traded phone numbers before she left. she called a couple times and we talked a bit, made vague plans to go out sometime, but the more I got to know her the more I realized I really didn't like her on anything more than a passing physical level, so when she said, "Oh, I don't wnat to jerk you around but my ex is back in my life now and I don't know what I want to do." I was content to just end all contact right there, and I was even nice enough not to say what I was really thinking, "That's ok, my interest in you was purely coital at most and even that is diminished insanely by the fact that you are really not a very interesting or intelligent person, so I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything here."
See, I can be tactful when I want to...I DIDN'T say that...I just said, "Ok. See ya round."
Anyway, longwinded flashback out of the way, guess who it is on the other end of the phone? Oh boy! And cause I had deleted her number (I purge numbers like I purge facebook friends- if i haven't talked or wanted to talk to you in the last couple months, you're gone, lest I start drowning in contacts), i had to answer it to find out who it was.
Me (Picture the groggiest you've ever heard me sound)- Hello?
DrunkLadynamesomittedtoprotecttheidiots01- Hi. I'm looking for Ken?
Me- (wondering who the hell this is, as she sounds like any of ten different girls I know sound when they are drunk)-
This is Ken. Who is this?
DL- Is this Ken? The sexy guy I met on the staircase?
Me- Um...yes. Who is this?
DL- Oh man, it's good to talk to again. I *hic*.....
Me- Um...hello?
DL- It's me! Drunk Lady!
Me- Oh...hi...it's...good to hear from you. (No it isn't, but I was a model of restraint during most of this conversation, til it was time to just end this nonsense)
DL- How are you? I was going through my phone and thought, I haven't called Ken in foever! I've missed talking to you. it's *hic*
Me- Ok. WOrk is still work. What have you been up to?
DL- *Burps into the phone* Well, I got the new job, and I moved, and...yeah...
Me- Oh, where are you living now?
DL- Here.
Me- And where is here?
DL- Here where I am, silly! *hic* so you should come on over (apparently the conversation we were actually having wasn't the same as the one she thought we were having. It was here that I realized that this was not only a booty call, but it's also a cringe inducingly awful attempt at one)
Me- And where might that be?
DL- WEst Allis *hic* I'm sosorry, I've got *hic*...can't even *hic*...
Me- It's ok, I get hiccups too. How much have you had to drink?
DL- OK, I get drunk, ok? It's what i *hic* do.
I swear to you, I am not really taking poetic license here- I don't remember the conversation verbatim but this is exactly the ebb and flow of it, except you have to insert your own drunken slurring for her voice. I was so amused by this it was hard to keep the laughter out of my voice.
Me- I get drunk too, babe. I'm just wondering how much it takes for you.
DL- Seven jack and cokes....
Me- Damn....
DL- so you haven't ever really told me *hic* much about you...what's your living situation? Are you totally single?
Me- Yep, still single. Living alone in an apartment in bay view.
DL- Didn't you have rooommates? *hic*
Me- Yeah, I moved.
DL- you like living alone?
Me- yeah, it's great. I love those guys but I think our friendship is more sustainable now that we're not living together.
LONG PAUSE
Me- Hello?
DL- So you need to come over here *burps into phone again*
Me- What, now?
DL- yeah baby. Get over here!
Me- I can't- it's too late at night.
DL- Get over here! you're like a fantasy to me...*hic* *pause* You can't be too careful who you meet these days... I remember you but I forgot your name...what's your name again?
Me- Excuse me?
DL- What's your name?
Me- Ken
DL- That's right *hic* I remember you. I always thoguht you were very hot so you should come over.
Me- No, it's too late.
DL- Oh, come on!
Me- Look, it'd take me an hour plus to get there, and I'm willing to lay odds you won't even still be conscious by the time I arrived.
DL- Oh, I'll still be awake *hic* why would it take you so long? i only live in west allis.
Me- Yeah, but that's a long bus trip. Remember the whole discussion we had about this?
DL- you never told me you don't ave a car...
Me- yes, I did
DL- no you didn't! sorry. i'm spoiled. Ihad a lousy upbringing
(I swear i'm not making this crapup)
DL- I'd pay for your cab...*hic*
Me- No, thank you. Maybe tomorrow night. I...
DL- WHat?!?! You arne't blowing me off! Your problem is you got no game *hic*
Me- I got no game? You called me, babe.
I did get a bit testy here, but I'll be damned if some chick who's idea of seduction is belching through the phone is going to lecture me about a lack of "game"
DL- *hic* oh yeah
Try burping into my ear again, cause it was so sexy the first couple times you did it. At this point i hear a sound like running water
Me- Where the hell are you? In a pool?
DL- No, i'm lying on my couch....mumblemumblesomethingIcan'tunderstandbutihearhervoicegoup
Me- um...sure...
Crash
Me- What was that?
DL- That's...exactly what it sounded like...I fell off the *hic* couch.
ANd I dropped the phone from laughing so hard...I have done a lot of stupid crap whiel drunk in my time but I have never been so out of it that I failed my dex check to keep LYING ON A COUCH.
DL- I hit the coffee table. Get over here.
Me- Look, I'll take you to dinner someother time. I gotta get to sleep.
DL- no you don't.*hic* get over here. I live (gives me her actual address)
Me- Oh, i know that area- it's near where I used to live. You dont' live too far from that porn shop by highway 100
DL- YOu're a pervert!
Um....cause I said porn?
DL- WHy are you being like this? WE're both attracted to each other...why are we debating what's right and wrong instead of just doing what we should be doing?
I've had conversations with fridge magnet poetry sets that were less random.
By this point I've had enough, and it' stime to twist the knife by reminding her why she really called me...
Me, innocently as you please- well, last time we talked you said there was this other guy back in your life...
DL- I don't wanna talk about that *hic* things are just so confusing....*she spouts some other stuff i can't really make out and am not really listening to anyway.*
Me- I can imagine. Well, I gotta get to sleep. Talk to you later.
DL- Goodnight....
So for once I got to play the part of the girl, getting a drunken booty call from someone too drunk to realize they are teh exact opposite of sexy right now. It used to be that weird crap just sorta happened around me as I walked around my life. Now it seems to follow me to bed. Great.
In other news, the show is going well. I'm not doing so well but people don't seem to notice so much. Reviews are up- google my name and "Boo" for reviews/preview articles,a nd the theatre homepage to book your ticket! more on that later this month.
Ken
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