2007-09-13 - 10:13 p.m.
I was on my way to the store to return a shirt I had bought erroneously believing there was a possibility it could look good on me tonight when I passed by the porno shop on greenfield ave. by highway 100. In front of that porno shop, as sometimes happens, was a protestor, holding up a sign decrying the entire adult entertainment industry (come on lady, give them a break...it's the only thing any of those girls are useful for anyway...when a horse breaks his leg you take it behind the barn and put a bullet in its brain.) The protestors, and the signs they carry, are different each time i pass by there (just passing by, i promise. hi mom. brook'll vouch for me) and reflect varying degrees of alternately anger or sadness, depending on who's out there. Tonight's was the first one that made me laugh though.
"Pornography is a lie!!!" it read in big, bold letters. in slightly smaller letters underneath it said, "Jesus is the truth!!!"
um...yeah...ok...listen, lady, i don't want to get into a philosophical or moral debate with you over whether pornography is really a bad thing (the answer, much like many moral questions, isn't a strict yes or no issue, sorry to pop your little black and white world), or whether you're wasting your time out in front of that store in the first place, as we'll probably never see eye to eye on those issues, and as much as i love to discuss and debate theology, i don't really want to discuss it with you, especially as I'm in a hurry, but there's one thing about your statement that's patently false and erroneous and wrong and i would be remiss if i were to let you continue thinking that you were in any way correct on this.
Pornography is not a lie. Period. End of debate. There can be no argument on this (trust me, I don't know a lot, but I do know my English) Pornography is not a lie. Pornography is a noun. A noun is a person, place, or thing. A lie is a deliberate (some definitions omit this part, but in my view you're not lying unless you know that what you're saying isn't true) conveying of false information. Pornography cannot be a lie because it is a noun.
IN ORDER TO HAVE A LIE, YOU MUST FIRST HAVE A VERB!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is a rule. break it at your peril.
A noun cannot be a lie. A noun can be lied to, like when soemone tells you they consider you one of their closest friends and one of the most important people in the world. A noun can be lied about, like when one of your supposed best friends makes up stories about you and tells other people you care about causing them to not talk to you anymore, or when you tell the officer you swear she said she was 18.
A noun can be lied for, "You should totally let me set you up on a blind date- my friend is the sweetest person, and she has the most amazing personality...what's that? um...yeah, she's nice looking."
A noun can lie "I swear that wart is normal, baby."
You can lie with a noun "Yeah, my friend and I are both doctors...this is perfectly standard procedure, now let's lose the skirt."
You can even lie on a noun (coming full circle back to pornstars)
But pornography cannot be a lie. Pornography can be a liar, which would explain why every time i answer the door with no pants on, the hot pizza delivery girl is less than elated, but pornography cannot be a lie. Here's a simple test....one of the following things is not a lie, the rest are. Spot which one is not a lie...
Dick Cheney is not evil.
The View is a compelling television program that is not at all a waste of space.
Ben Affleck has talent.
I promise I'll pull out.
No Ken, I'd never cheat on you.
It's not you, it's me.
Towel.
Scientology is not founded on a bunch of lies/stories made up by a 3rd rate hack writer who saw it as a way to make money.
Americans are not morons.
did you spot the non-lie? it was pretty difficult to find, i know, but it's there.
Why don't you go home and think of an argument that's at least grammatically correct? Then maybe when you can sound like you know what you're talking about I'll listen to what you have to say.
So I got to said store and returned said shirt and was on my way up and out of said store when the most amazing thing happened...the escalator became stairs. I was just riding along, talking to brook, when suddenly, there was a bit of a bump, and we were no longer moving, dude. The escalator had officially become stairs for an as yet undetermined length of time. It was a pretty perfect end to a pretty perfect outing, all things considered. A voice floated through my mind and I had to giggle.
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience." -Mitch Hedberg
Oh, and I officially turned heel tonight. And no song to sing right now. Contain your disappointment.
Ken
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