2005-03-13 - 7:39 p.m.
Every single one of these has actually happened in the last couple weeks.
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Last night I had some fun with the cops. Just as an advance warning, this story will make me look like a jackass, but not the biggest jackass, so no biggie.
So I'm in the van with my friend Melanie, an actor in the other Bridgework team. We're gonna head to dinner just to do something nice for a change, and when I get in the car, I go, "Hey, the headlights are unusually dim on this van." She goes, "I know, but the brights are way too bright, so there's really nothing I can do."
Then we hit a telephone pole because she turns too early around a sharp bend. Puts a nice dent in the right rear door of the van, but it's only cosmetic damage, so no biggie. I wasn't driving, I wasn't hurt, I don't gotta deal with nothin'.
We go eat.
We decide to go to the coffee shop to hang out for awhile. WE're listening to the radio on the way back, when suddenly there's sirens. I look in the rearview, there's not one but TWO cops tailing us. I suggest politely that even if they're not after us, it might behoove us to pull over, just in case. WE pull into the empty Firestone lot, and sure enough, both cops pullin behind us. Cop 1 gets out and comes over to talk to Melanie, armed with his flashlight, while Cop 2 comes over to my side and starts inspecting the interior of the car with his flashlight.
Melanie- What's the problem, officer?
Cop 1- Your headlights are off. Where are you coming from?
Melanie- Panda Chinese.
Cop 2- Where are you headed?
Me- The Electric Brew.
Cop 1- Why you driving this van?
Melanie- We're actors with the Bridgework Theatre here in Goshen.
Cop 1- We've been trying to pull you over for about five blocks now. Didn't you notice?
Melanie- No. SOrry.
Cop runs both our IDs, and proceeds to show Melanie on the van she drives for a living how to actually turn on the headlights and switch between the regular headlights (which melanie thought were the brights) and the actual brights. Turns out there's a difference. At this point, the cops have realized that we're not dangerous, just mildly retarded,a nd the cop turns to me and asks if I'd noticed that we were without headlights.
Me- WEll, I thought something was odd, but she assured me they were on, and if you'll notice by my ID, I'm not even a licensed driver, so I really know nothing about the operation of motor vehicles, sir.
I figured the worst that could possibly happen is they take us in, and we have to get our producers down to explain to the cops who we are, so why not act like an ass to the cops anyway?
They let us off. And that was the fun I had last night.
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Me- Does anyone have any questions about the show that they'd like to ask now? Yes, you?
Stupid Kid- What was the play about?
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(THis one took place AFTER we dismissed the kids from the show, at which point we stay on stage and sign autographs and answer questions one on one with the kids as they file out of the gym)
Kid- Are your parents really getting divorced?
Me- No, my parents stayed married till my dad died. Have a good afternoon!
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Liz- I'm gonna get some condiments.
Me- You know, the Church says those are a sin....
Chorus of groans.
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I'm still waiting on that whole "job" thing.
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Me- Any questions?
Kid- Was the Iguana in the cage real?
Me- That's usually the first question everyone has. No, he's not real, it's a rubber toy. We couldn't carry a real iguana out on the road with us, because we'd lose him at every gas station and in every gym, and never have time to take care of him properly. SO we use this fake rubber toy, but we pretend it's real. Who else has a question? Yes, in the red.
Other Retarded Kid- Was the Iguana in the cage real?
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Shouting across Wal-Mart...Front entrance...
Me- I'm carrying in this wooden plank because I need to find screws to fit it in your hardware section. I'm not trying to return it, cause I don't think you sell oddly shaped wooden planks.
Wal-Mart shopping cart attendant- Ok. And why do you have this?
Me- Well, you see, we're actors with a touring children's theatre, and-
Random Bitchy Lady Behind Me- And thanks for taking the parking spot I was waiting for! I really appreciate it!
Me- Ok, for one thing, you were coming the wrong way down the aisle for a parking spot on that side, so I have no sympathy for you,a nd for another, I wasn't driving, so I don't care. Talk to Justin there.
RBLBM (to Justin as she walks away from us)- My car could have made that turn!
Justin- So? You broke the rules of parking lot etiquette! (Justin is really pissed at this point, and as he pointed out later, if she felt strongly enough about it to make a scene, by God, let's make a scene for her. I take his advice to heart, cause I realize, we're actors, we have no shame, and she shouldn't be able to get away with this.)
We see her later in the women's department as we're on our way to check out.
Me- HEY!!! IS IT OK IF I BUY THIS DRILL??? WILL IT RUIN YOUR LIFE IF I TAKE IT? I REALIZE YOU'RE IN THE WOMEN"S DEPARTMENT, BUT MAYBE YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS PARTICULAR ONE, SO IF YOU NEED IT, I CAN PUT IT BACK AND GRAB ANOTHER!!!
Justin- AND IF YOU'RE SERIOUS ABOUT SHEDDING ALL THOSE EXTRA POUNDS, LEMME TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN JUST DRINKING DIET COKE!!!
She gives us the finger and we walk away laughing. It's only later on that we realize that we were in the company van with our logo, address, and phone number on it when she first saw us. I expect to get fired any day now.
Ken
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