2003-08-13 - 2:03 p.m.
Next entry will be a sincere retrospective on my time in River Falls. Today, however, let's blast some fuckers....
Meet the Company of the 2003 St. Croix Valley Summer Theatre!!! (Names have been altered somewhat to avoid lawsuits)
Ken Dillon, Core Actor- Ken is pleased to be working at SCVST so soon after graduating from his ninety years at Ripon College. Hailing from Albuquerque, NM, Ken is not an illegal immigrant, and still getting used to the weather this far north, not to mention wondering why this is the only place that would hire him. Ken would like to thank the usual- family, friends, and the other Kens for this opportunity to learn what the world of theatre is really like.
Brianna, Core Actress- Brianna is a junior at UW Somewhere. Among her credits are crying in every damn scene as Annie Sullivan in The Miracle Worker, and forgetting all her blocking as Jo in Little Women. She has also appeared at Fanny Hill Dinner Theatre, where she discovered a penchant for golddigging. Brianna enjoys writing and recording original music, and seeing how many members of the Kansas City Chiefs she can take on at one time. She thanks her everyday angels, as well as every man over the age of 60 for their constant blessings and attention.
Bradley, Core Actor- This is Bradley's first year with SCVST, but not his first time acting, though we all hope it's his last. He's very excited to be with the company and would just like to say, " FInally I get paid for doing what I love! Having sex with boys and denying that I'm gay!" You can see BRadley sucking it up during the school with both the University theatre and in the community.
Joe Lullo, Core Actor- Joe has been involved with theatre all his life, as well as being baked off his ass all his life. The arts and weed are a great source of inspiration and enjoyment for him. Joe attends Ripon college as a theatre major and can't wait to get back there to work with people who know what they're doing.
Anne, Core Actress- Anne recently recieved her BA's in French, Theatre, and being a momma's girl. In the future, she hopes to one day cut her apron strings and reach financial independence, but for now she's busy being afraid of her own shadow.
Travis- Core Actor- Travis is following in his mentor Eric's footsteps by not doing anything of note at Mankato State U. This is his first year with SCVST, and he couldn't wait to get started on his rigorous schedule of missing shop work and sleeping in the green room.
John Dalziel, Tech Director/Designer- John is a 2002 grad of Ripon College and currently a Scenic Design MFA Candidate at U. of Arkansas, making him WAY overqualified to work here. This is John's second season at SCVST and he hopes for another successful summer without beating any of the retards over the head with a wrench.
PK, Lighting/Sound Designer- PK, as he is affectionately referred to, is pleased to return to SCVST once again. Since his first season, he has completed his BFA and perfected tuning up his Rapist Van, the "It's no longer a Mystery" Machine. PK is excited to expand both his design credentials and add to the number of small children molested in the back of his van.
(That last one has no basis in reality, we just teased the dude a lot because his van had no rear windows or a back seat, which would have made it ideal for kidnapping and molesting folks. Hmm...maybe I shouldn't be saying stuff like that occurs to me when I see a van like that...)
Tiff, Costumer- Tiff is an enthusiastic, though mentally retarded, college student who has looked forward to spending her summer designing costumes and sexually harassing Ken Dillon. She is a theatre major who enjoys walking into the men's dressing room as men are changing. Some of her terribly poor costume credits include Twelfth Night and many more. She hopes for a slice of K-Roy by summer's end.
Iris, Stage Manager- Iris will be a soph. this year. She is majoring in Theatre and HIstory. She has been doing not much as a stage manager for many shows, and would like to thank her mom and God for giving her the ability to sleep until 2pm every day, and for her intense and disturbing love of horses. "I hope you enjoy the show!"
Mackenzie, Acting Intern- Mackenzie is in her second year as an intern at SCVST, proving that there is no justice in the world whatsoever. She has been acting since she was six, and is absolutely thrilled to get a chance to play second fiddle bit parts while morons like Brianna get all the lead roles. She wishes to express her frustration at being the best actress in the company, but unable to get paid for it because she's not 18 yet.
Wayne, Shop Foreman- Wayne loves every minute of his time with SCVST, except for those times that he's with anyone else on this list, which adds up to approximately 2 minutes a week. The day before the company gathered this 42 year old non-traditional student was as excited as a 10 year old the day before summer camp! The day after the company gathered, he was as disappointed as a 10 year old who has just been informed that there is no Santa Claus. He hopes you have more fun than he has.
John, Scene Tech- After somehow graduating from college, John has decided to celebrate by taking part in his first summer theatre ever. He has enjoyed his time at the university, despite his fetal alcohol syndrome, and is ready to take his macrocephalic self out into the real world.
Helen Office Admin.- Helen has worked here for more years than she can remember, and she would like to forget many more of them. Every year something happens that hasn't happened before, proving that you can always find people stupider than the ones you're with. So every year is a new adventure.
Denise, Armchair Choreographer- Denise made her first appearance last year in Oliver! She has half-assedly choreographed many other community productions, proving once and for all why she's not getting paid to do this. Denise loves everything about theatre, except that pesky part about reading the ground plans for the stage she'll be on.
Hope, Publicity- "Only in America" is a 38 year old woman afforded the freedom of choice and moral support to change direction in her life...and get the fuck out of River Falls. She thanks the audience, cast, and crew for making this summer one super-sized picnic...IN HELL!
Woody, Actor- Woody has been seen in roles ranging from an angel to a homosexual, and can regularly be seen molesting sheep, since he's Scottish.
Andy, Music Director- Andy recieved his BA in vocal music from Luther College and is currently choir director at Hudson High, though from his attitude, you'd think he was directing the friggin' London Philharmonic.
Tyler, Actor- Tyler is very active in theatre, music, and the whole gay man scene. Tyler plays trumpet in Jazz band and the skin flute in the principals office.
Retardo, Actor- Retardo is a playwright with a typewriter and ambition, but neither the brains nor the talent to put them together. He's throughly creepy and eager to get any acting job he possibly can (which won't be much).
Paul, Actor- The Doctor is in..again! Paul's appearance in State Fair marks his tenth production with SCVST, proving how desperate they are sometimes to fill up a cast. He's been overacting since Gerald Ford was in office and is determined to do so until Ken DIllon's head explodes.
Patrice, Actress- Patrice performs in comuntiy theatre and can be seen daily hunting down younger men on MILFs who are sexual predators.com as a "physical therapist"
Cordell- Your friendly triple penetrator at UWRF majors in being extremely gay, music, and math,though he can't do simple addition without a calcualtor. He was very visible in last summer's season, probably because he's so fat.
Ken H., Director- Ken directoed productions last season at SCVST. He is an associate prof. of theatre at Ripon, and he promises to step up his range of courses to ensure that none of his former students ever again have to work at a place like this. Ken has numereous credentials, leading him to wonder what he did that was so wrong God saw fit to punish him by placing him here. We don't blame him for getting the fuck away as soon as he could.
Erik, Director of state fair- Erik is pleased to be returning for unlucky season 7 at SCVST. He hold a Bachelor of Science (or BS) degree in theatre from UWRF, and got his MFA in acting from a vending machine near Mankato State University. In real life, Erik works somewhere else, and we all pray he's better and more devoted to that job than he was to directing state fair, or you'll be able to see him in his next performance on the unemployment line.
Whew...okay, now that i've gotten done blasting the place, I can say i did have fun there, and honestly none of these people were that bad. They may have been bad to work with, but at least they were nice. More later.
Ken
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