2002-08-08 - 2:32 p.m.
The sad truth my friends is that stand-up comedy is dying, if not dead already. With a few rare exceptions (Lewis Black), there�s just no one who�s funny and still alive anymore. Robin Williams hasn�t been funny since he quit doing coke. Jay Leno stopped being funny when he started on the Tonight Show. Bill Cosby seems to have stopped trying, although admittedly, he�s got nothing left to prove to anyone when it comes to being funny. All of Dennis Leary�s funny came straight from Bill Hicks, so it doesn�t count anyway. Every type of comedian imaginable has been done and redone to death, till they�re not funny anymore, if they ever were.
Observational humor, for example, used to be funny. And a select few can still do it well. But with the success of Jerry Seinfeld (who used to be funny, admittedly), everyone and their mom wants to be an observational comedian, and I for one am getting sick of self obsessed, badly dressed, snickering class clowns making inane, exaggerated everyday observations. If I want that, I�ll talk to myself in a mirror and save myself a $10 cover and a two drink minimum. Kill all observationalists.
Impressionists- I don�t even like impressionist painters, let alone supposed "comedians" whose entire act is based around reminding the audience of people infinitely more talented and famous than they (the impressionists...or the audience too, really) are themselves. Parasitic losers! If I set one of you worthless fucks on fire, who will you you sound like as you burn? Nixon? Cagney? William Shatner? Let�s find out.
The Ethnic and Special Group comedians-People whose act is based solely around their ethnicity, bizarre body type, or physical handicap for their "ain�t culture clashes kooky?" kind of "humor" Fuck those guys too. I�m all for empowerment and equal opportunity, but there�s nothing duller than stale fat jokes, crappy handicap humor, or lame(don�t piss off whitey, he owns TV) slang-laden harmless "insights into racism."
But Ken, Chris Rock is funny (was funny), you whine. John Leguzamo is funny.
True, but Chris Rock can talk about something other than the fact that he�s black. Yes, he does have his ethnicity to thank for his success, but he�s got a good act without the black humor. And John Leguzamo is the exception that proves the rule. He�s so funny that anyone else attempting to do the same ethnic humor just falls short. Really, John Leguzamo is hilarious. If you haven�t seen "Freak" do so, and laugh till you piss yourself. I did.
Ventriloquists- This was NEVER funny. A geek with his hand up a wooden boy's ass is not a funny evening�s entertainment, it�s disturbing. Proof? All the famous pedophiles in US history have been fans of ventriloquism. Why? Possibly because of the shoving your hand up a wooden boy�s ass part of it. (and no, a wooden girl wouldn�t be any more acceptable) Edgar Bergen wasn�t a comic genius, he was a sick degenerate.
Political humorists- If you think that asshole with the piano who rewrites public domain songs into quirky political observations is funny, just kill yourself now. Or go see Dana Carvey�s new movie, which I think is a more appropriate punishment.
The above also applies to any jerk-off who uses a musical instrument in his act, regardless of content. You suck, end of story.
Blue humor guys, the famous archetype being Andrew Dice Clay (and it�s a generous amount of leeway to refer to that fucking moron as a comedian)- Jay Leno (when he was still funny) once said that comedians who swear only do so because they have nothing original to say. Fuck him, he�s wrong, but there is a nugget of truth in there. A lot of good comedians get very blue, but they are aware that blue is only good in moderation. Bob Sagat has one of the filthiest mouths in comedy, believe it or not. Howie Mandel and even the great Cosby himself get really blue sometimes. But A) they�re not always that way, so blue becomes an interesting change of pace, and B) it�s the content of the act that makes it blue, not the massive amount of swearing. They�d be just as funny without ever saying fuck once. Here�s a tip. Type out your act. If you find yourself using the word fuck more times than you�re using a comma, you need to rewrite your material. Not that cursing is unacceptable. Nothing can punctuate a good joke to take it from moderately amusing to gutbuster like a well placed f-bomb. But the swearing has to be just another tool in your arsenal, not your whole act.
Comediennes and all gender based comics- I have nothing against female comics, but you can�t make an interesting act based solely on being a woman ( the reverse is also true- Tim Allen and Ray Romnano have NEVER been funny, and by the way, Allen isn�t his real last name. His real name is Tim Dick, which I think is more appropriate.) I mean, what is your material going to be about? Everything you have to joke about being a woman (or a man) has already been said about a thousand times, and jokes about the opposite sex are gross gender generalizations, and both alienate half your audience anyway. (Don�t believe me? Go to a comedy club sometime when a gender comic is on, and watch how much of the audience gets visibly uncomfortable when she talks about being on the rag.)
And prop comedians are the worst of the bunch. Fuck you, Gallagher, you were never funny. Go away before I shove Carrot Top up your ass. Just a bunch of assholes showing off crap they found at a flea market and playing with their toys onstage. Tell you what, save yourselves a few bucks of cover charges-for a dollar any of you can come over to my house and watch me play with my toys and make humorous remarks while I do it.
Ken
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