2002-05-16 - 1:02 p.m.
So I saw Episode II last night. Midnight showing. Yoda is now officially #1 on my list of people I'd never, ever wanna fuck with. Apparently in his language, "Yoda" means "Little Green Ass-Kicking Machine"
I realize none of you all have seen the film yet, given that it's 1pm on opening day, but I don't care. I'm going again with a group at 4 today, and I have to wait until after it's over before I can talk to them about how cool certain parts were. If I don't write about it, I'm going to go nuts. It was bad enough last night, when I got home at 2am, and no one else was even awake for me to boast to that I had seen the damn film already.
Trust me folks, it's worth the $8 just to see Samuel L. Jackson open up a can. And yes, his lightsaber is purple.
I was way overstimulated last night. Didn't get to sleep until about 5. Course, I was also sleeping alone. Bleh. That's never fun.
Thanks to all contributors for making this last weekend so bitchin'. You all know who you are.
When I win my first Oscar, I'm not going to spend 10 goddamn minutes up there thanking all sorts of people who already know that they were instrumental in my winning the little hunk of metal in the first place. They know who they are, and they know I couldn't have done it without them. If they get upset that they don't get their names mentioned on TV, well, then I don't wanna be friends with stupid fuckwits like that anyway, so I don't mind if that's the falling out that makes us bitter enemies forever. I'll get real friends.
I figure when I win, I'll just say, "Thanks. Guess I was pretty good, huh? I'd like to thank everyone who helped me win this, you know who you are, especially those members of the Academy who voted for me because there is no way in hell I'd be holding this without your votes, short of breaking into Ben Affleck's house and prying this out of his cold, dead hands. Not that I don't still plan on doing that, mind you. But this feels almost as special. And to all the little kids out there watching, pay close attention to me in the next few months, cause the most fun part of being famous is making the nightmare descent into booze and drugs. So study up."
Then I'll just stroll off the stage, juggling the award, and not even pause on my way out to let the photographer take a picture of me.
Did I mention I'd be under the influence of about 5 different substances on Oscar night? I am so meant for the Hollywood lifestyle, it's not even funny. If ever there was a guy who was supposed to be a hollow, shallow, little prick of a movie-star, it'd be me.
And hey, at least I'm a better actor than 90% of those morons, as well.
Like Hayden Christensen. I liked Episode II, but I could do a better Anakin Skywalker in my sleep than this guy, and he was obviously trying his best. I think I could even find it within myself to whine constantly the way guys named Skywalker do.
I don't know if Natalie Portman could be any hotter. I was sticky after seeing her in some of those costumes. Harrison Ford, as he works his way through all the 11,000,000 young ladies out there who've wanted to sleep with him for years now, needs to be extra sure to find time for Natalie Portman. I think he'll remember, though, as soon as he realizes that the only people who find Calista Flockhart attractive are hippie lesbians and the nerdy guys who hang out with them (basically Ally MacBeal's prime demographic.) I understand what the man is doing, but move one soon to another woman, preferably one that weighs more than 5 pounds.
I just realized I've been writing for over half an hour, and it's been so inane even I can't remember what I've written.
But it's okay. I'm in a good mood right now. Not a drastically better one, which would worry me, but everything has been seeming a little brighter lately, so I'll let all you dumb fuckwits and Massive Tools off easy this time. (Some of you, however, were begging for it this time around. Enjoy my benevolence whilst it lasts, SOBs.)
Ken
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