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2002-04-23 - 2:07 p.m.

SO in all honesty, I consider myself a pretty patient man. Yeah, I get angry easily, but I bottle it into a healthy psycho rage at all of you, rather than giving you individual idiots out there the verbal dickslappings or severe beatings you seem to be begging for.

BUT, Roy...

My patience is being sorely taxed by the sheer number of times I've had to have this conversation this week...Oh, and for the record, Someone Else in the following dialogue has been a number of different people in a number of different states, as has Person X, so this isn't just at any one given person, though if you think you might be one of these pseudonyms, you probably are.

Me- So, how's it going?

Someone Else- I'm upset. Person X is really pissing me off.

Me- Why, what happened this time?

Someone Else- He/She did *Then we insert any number of stupid stunts that just go to prove that all the Person X's in question are massive tools.* and it's really made me mad.

Me- Wow, I'm sorry to hear that.

Not that I mind when the Someone Else's (who are all friends that I care about, which is why I'm writing this.) vent their rage at me. I mean, hell, I vent my rage at all of you (though you deserve it)

And the problem I have is not with the stupid things the massive tools (hmm...that should be capitalized, like Black Beret. The Massive Tools...) are doing because quite frankly, none of it is really any of my business. The issues don't involve me, many of the Massive Tools in question don't even know me, or know me very well.

Where was I going with this? I got sidetracked...

Oh, yeah...

All the Person X's out there, (and you should know if you are a Person X, because although you can lie all you want to everyone else (as many of you apparently do. I know I do...) you can't lie to YOURSELVES, no matter how hard you try. If you genuinely can't think of a good reason why you even MIGHT possibly be a Person X, then do us all a favor and go try walking on water. When you fail and fall in, do us another favor and kill yourself.)

You are all MASSIVE FUCKING TOOLS!!! The sooner you realize this, the sooner you will realize that nothing you say is either believable or necessarily correct, and certainly none of your life matters to anyone except for other Massive Tools and the nice Someone Else's who decide to hang out with you for some unknown reason, possibly blackmail.

Now, I'm not going to tell you to pull your heads out of your asses, to get lives, to grow up, to get over yourselves, to acknowledge your own insincerity, or even to stop doing Massive Tool things, because even if you did these things, which you won't, you're still just going to be giant wastes of air. I don't care about you, and you don't care about me. Ideal arrangement.

BUT

In the future, I would appreciate it very much if you could try, just a bit, to keep your Massive Toolosity to yourselves more (which should be easy because I see that many of you Massive Tools tend to roam in packs anyway) because when I get together with the nice Someone Else's who are my friends, I want to TALK ABOUT ANYTHING, ANY OTHER GODDAMNED THING IN THE WORLD, EXCEPT WHAT A MASSIVE FUCKING TOOL YOU ARE!!!

You are the centers of your worlds. Fine. I can handle that. I am the center of mine, however, and when your Massive Toolness impedes on my happy little universe, I have to put up with those conversations, which distract me from happy conversations with my friends about war and drugs and wrestling and how Radiohead is a really shitty band these days compared to five years ago.

If I have to start naming names and pointing out specifically to you little SOBs just why you are Massive Tools, then there's gonna be a lot of fireworks and no one wants that.

So please, just go back to whining to yourselves about how no one understands you (which, by the way is true, because no one who thinks can understand how anyone can possibly be as stupid as you are.) and how miserable your lives are (yeah, if I were you, I'd be pretty miserable, too) and how it's you against the world (guess what? You lose!!!) and just become a quiet white noise in the background, okay?

Deal.

And before the angry letters start pouring in, I'm aware that I too, am a Massive Tool. See the above description about being the center of my world. There really isn't a difference, it's just a matter of perspective.

Plus I'm the one who's getting annoyed, therefore I will lash out.

-Ken

P.S.- the play was spectacular, widely received as the best show of the festival. Thanks to Jon, Josh and Beth for being amazing, and to everyone who saw my creepy freaky weird little play of doom, thanks for dealing with my venting of my Black Beret impulses.

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