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2001-08-14 - 4:22 p.m.

So this guy wearing a Black Beret came into the bookstore a couple days ago. He had come in once before, about two weekends ago, during the big EAA convention going on. (Why do people always act so suprised and shocked during this convention when they learn that one of the planes has gone down and someone has died? People, these are EXPERIMENTAL aircraft! These conventioneers are to test pilots what backyard wrestlers are to the WWF. They're "trying this at home" And they know the risks involved in what they're doing. So if they die, they die. Their choice.)

Anyhow, this guy came in, and asked if we had any road maps of Oshkosh because, "What with the convention and all, we've decided to forego Oshkosh and we're trying to figure out a way to bypass it and go straight to Appleton." Somehow, I kept my rage down (who the hell, "Foregoes" a city? You bypass it, skip it, avoid it, drive around it, but only a pretentious prick "foregoes" a city.) And I helped him out, and he went on his way.

Well, a couple days ago, he was back in. Wearing a Black Beret. I cannot emphasize this enough. He was wearing a Black Beret. And black turtlenecky sort of thing. It looked like a turtleneck, but also looked like it was cool enough to wear in the middle of summer. But he had on a BLACK BERET!!!

Involuntarily, like a reflex test at the doctor, every muscle in my body tensed into a combat-like readiness, and my hands started shaking. When I looked down to see why they were shaking, I found it was because they had involuntarily contracted into fists and I was squeezing them tight enough I could have turned coal into diamond.

I had never met this man before, and yet the mere sight of the hated Black Beret had me ready to widow his wife and make orphans out of his children. Sure, he could have been in the military. I know George wears a black beret (note the lack of capitalization), but they make him. And this guy was obiviously not a memeber of any armed forces in the world, with the possible exception of the "I'm a phony dickhead and I need to die" Regiment. Plus he was looking for a book on sculpture. I wanted to show him some chiseling, namely the kind that would result from me using his book on sculpture to lobotomize him with an icepick.

"And now to present my latest work. I call it "@$$hole getting thrown through a plate glass window, #3."

People, I'm asking for your help here. We need to save this planet. And one of the places we should start is with the Black Berets. Anything that can trigger such a violent reaction in me can't be any good for anyone. So next time you see someone wearing a Black Beret, ask them if they're in the military. If they say yes, bow respectfully and continue on your way.

If they say no, beat the hell out of them. Make them eat that damn Beret. I've explained before what these people are. They are nothing but bad. 100%. Even other artsy people don't like the Black Berets. If we don't put a stop to their madness soon, they will take over the world, and our lives will forever be filled with this crap. Do you really want your children growing up to wear Black Berets?

I thought not.

In other news, tomorrow I move into my new home. Update tomorrow night.

Ken

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