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2001-06-13 - 10:33 p.m.

So I'm having a hard time starting this entry. I'm trying to decide what all I really want to talk about. I've always been hesitant to discuss certain things in depth here, because I know this is actually read. And it's not like I ignore certain issues in here, but I do skirt around them and only make veiled references in them.

I mean, it's not like everyone can't tell what it is I would like to say.

Part of me wants to talk about it.

Part of me doesn't want to, though. Part of it is a fear of other's perceptions- I know that when I read about other people mooning over "the love of their life" it makes me sick. I don't want to seem that pathetic. :)

I mean, I've felt bad enough about the last couple of entries. I don't wanna go all emotional again.

I think I'm also scared to admit it to myself, which I would have to do to write it here.

And like I said, everyone already knows what I would write here. It's not like it's a secret in real life.

So why is it so much harder to admit publicly?

Cause you're weak, Ken. And pathetic, in an oddly humorous sort of way. Just say it.

Okay. I like Tammy Johnson. A lot. I've felt this way for a long time. I've tried to ignore it, cause she's a lesbian and all, so it seemed sort of pointless to keep feeling that way, since it would never go anywhere.

And now maybe it can. I'd really like it to. As I've said before, she is one of the few people I would give up my single life for.

At the same time, it's scary, the prospect of committing again.

I may be in love with her, actually. That I know I'm not prepared to admit, cause the last three times that's happened to me, I've gotten dumped shortly after I came to the realization that I was in love.

Hence the fear. I want this to work. I don't know if I can make it work. Admittedly, I'm not a good boyfriend, but I try hard. And she's worth it.

Damn, is she worth it.

We look cute together.

We get along well.

She's smart, which is the most important thing. I can talk to her. About anything, really.

We can do just about anything together. Walks are fun. She'll watch wrestling with me. She even plays frisbee with us sometimes.

Plus she's freaking gorgeous, which is never a bad thing.

She just complements me well. Kind of scarily well, in fact, which is why I don't want to blow this. It's certainly not going to be easy, but I want to try it.

Tammy, I like you. I like you a lot. And I think we would be good for each other. Do you think we could give it a try?

Ken

P.S. Hopefully, this will be the last time I get so sappy in here. By next entry, after either the euphoria that she said yes or the dismal depression that she said no has worn off, I'll be back to my normal sarcastic self.

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