2001-03-20 - 06:53 p.m.
Ah, break time. What a refreshing period. I feel somewhat recharged and renewed and all that happy crap.
What have you been doing with yourself lately, Ken?
Well, obviously I haven't been writing in my diary, have I, Ken? No, I haven't. I haven't really been able to think of anything to say lately. It's kind of like, when you're younger, and you meet a really attractive girl for the first time at a party, or you go on a blind date with her, or your in some other awkward social situation where you don't know each other very well but are forced to make conversation, and so you try the small talk and all the typical "Tell me about yourself" conversation starters, but inevitably there's a lull in the conversation and neither of you knows what to say, so you both look around awkwardly, and you panic because you feel like you have a tenuous grip on this person's goodwill, and if you don't keep pushing the talking forward, she'll lose interest and you'll be left alone again and have to start over with someone else. (And by God, that was a long sentence, wasn't it?) I know that kind of thing happened to everyone at some point or another.
Who are you trying to fool, Ken, it happened to you last night!
Yeah, you got me. I guess that that kind of thing happens to everyone throughout life, regardless of age. And I'll let you in on another secret--It doesn't stop happening, even with people you do get to know better. There's a reason why conversations lag every five minutes, even when it's a group of close friends sitting around a room talking all night about their deepest, most intimate emotions. You just can't keep talking forever. And in fact, it gets worse with people you talk to a lot-- you quickly run out of new ground to cover. I constantly felt like I had nothing to say to my last ex, and I felt very, scary-type close to her. (Turns out it was one-sided, but that's another story.)
The difference is, you don't notice it as much, because you feel comfortable around the person now. Once you've "broken someone in" you realize that your hold on their goodwill/affection/friendship/love isn't as tenuous as you originally think it is, so you begin to feel like you don't need to hold on to it for dear life. You learn to realize that it's okay to just enjoy the quiet sometimes. (Of course, enjoying the quiet too much means that the relationship, whatever type it is, will stagnate and get boring, but that's also another story. Find a middleground.)
Where am I going with all this? Well, for the longest time I had nothing to say to you, Ken-inside-my-head-that-I-talk-to-when-I-write-in-my-diary. And it worried me. Writing on a regular basis had done wonders for me because this is the only format I've ever really felt comfortable expressing myself in. (Aside from acting, but I can't exactly act my whole life, now can I?) But then I realized that it was okay for me not to have anything to say to myself. I mean, you run out of things to say to your husbands and wives, parents, siblings, friends, even your pets every now and then. Where is it dictated that I have to have something new and exciting to say to myself all the time, too?
Well, Ken, you do spend more time talking to yourself (out loud and in print) than you do anyone else....
Precisely!!! So it stands to reason that I would run out of things to say to myself sooner. But I've realized now that it's okay to just enjoy the silence with myself, too, and that my tenuous hold on my own sanity/sense-of-well-being/self-worth isn't going to go away because I do enjoy that silence. And when I'm ready to talk to myself again, I'll still be there to listen. See, I just sat down tonight and the words started flowing.
The other reason I don't write as often is because I don't like to write when people who I know read this are around me, or could walk in at any time. And since I don't have a computer in my room anymore, I have to wait to go to someplace like the library where no one knows me to write here.
Come on, Ken, get a computer!!! Leap into the 90's!!!
It's 2001, Ken.
Yeah, that's the joke!!! A computer would make you only slightly less of an anachronism than you are now.
Hey! An-ach-ro-ni-sm. That's got five syllables!!! You used your five syllable word for the day, Ken! Way to show off your humongous vocabulary, you pretentious prick!
Moving on- so what did I do over break? Lots of stuff that's only really interesting to me. I won an auction on e-bay for a set of videotapes of Hardy Boyz wrestling matches that's a total of 24 hours in length (eat your heart out, Lena.), so I watched a lot of wrestling, Darlene moved out for good, which makes me sad, but I'm not going to tell her that because she hates me, I talked to bunches of members of my family about various things, which is always a happy time, even if I was a little bummed about missing my family reunion and still not meeting my sister.
And somewhere along the way, I actually got motivated to do productive stuff again, because I did homework- yes, I did homework- and I actually don't dread going to class anymore. (We'll see how long this lasts.)
And I did a lot of bonding with some friends I don't get to spend enough time with. And was constantly with people I spend too much time with. So I guess it balances in the end, right?
Toward the end of break, the sun came out and warmed the earth, some snow melted, and the new frisbee season officially began. IIt was exactly what I've been needing lately. It felt so good to run around out there, proving to everyone that there is something out there that I'm better than most everyone at, with the exception of Wej and Jon, even if I was in shorts and a t-shirt in 40-something degree weather, and even if I did cut my knee open on the icy snow and bleed everywhere, and even if I do have a serious bruise on my hip from falling on some ice while retrieving the disc. It doesn't matter. Pain is fleeting. Frisbee is eternal.
Ken.
"When people know you're hurting, they either pity you, or they eat you alive."- Strong Guy
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