2000-11-23 - 21:22:19
Ahhh, Thanksgiving. A time for...well...giving thanks and such. Thanks to whom? Well, it doesn't matter. Most people give thanks to a god or gods of some form or another, but even atheists and agnostics can enjoy Thanksgiving. Just give thanks to whatever you believe is responsible for what you're thankful for in the first place. That's why I love Thanksgiving. It's one of the few Christian-founded holidays that anyone can enjoy.
So....Thanks. I'm not going to get into specifics. You know who you are and why I'm thankful (for the most part, and if you don't, I'm not going to explain it anyway, so nyah!), so the thanks should hopefully be sufficient.
Thanksgiving has always been a fun tradition at my house, with many, many friends and family coming over to get fat(er) and happy(er) with my parents and my sister and I. In fact, Thanksgiving was (it's not anymore cause I don't get to be at home anymore.) my favorite holiday for a long, long time, despite the fact that I was made to dress up in some lame-ass, uncomfortable suit and tie type clothing. (this was long before I discovered exactly how much I can make girls and goddesses alike swoon all over the place when I do make the effort to get all dressed up. Heh, heh...Hello, goddess. Yes, I am talking to you.
Now to talk to the rest of you. We have always had two traditions at my house on Thanksgiving. The first is that we hold hands and tell each other what we're thankful for from this year. Pretty standard, right? Well, in a moment of extreme self-deprecation, I'm going to share our other family tradition with you right now- The story of Ken.
When I was 5, we had one of our typical Thanksgiving hooplas that somehow grew to include around 50 people, or at least it seemed like it at the time. We had to have people eating in two seperate rooms, plus the kids table, which I didn't have to sit at cause I was very mature for my age. (when I was five, I had a twelve year old's maturity. Now I'm legally an adult and I still have a twelve year old's maturity. I've decided I'll be twelve all my life.) Anyhow, I was at a table with my Uncles John, Scott, and Ted (all my mom's brothers) and my cousin(I often refer to my relatives as cousins. This is not to imply that they are actually cousins in the literal sense of the word, just that they're related to me in ways I can't figure out because my family tree is so f---ing huge.)Eric and Eric's fiancee, Kathy. Now, I had one of those 5-year old boy crushes on Kathy at the time. (Yeah, I can hear the girls going, "Oh, how cute." and the guys are snickering. The guys better shut the hell up, cause you all know what I'm talking about. Every guy gets a crush like that when they're prepubescent. Here's a hint, guys. Not being embarassed about it shows chicks your sensitive side. I might score from this. Who's laughing now?)
Where was I? Oh, yeah. So I was quite taken with Kathy at the time (and no, I don't know if she's still cute, I haven't seen her in years) My uncles (and yes, Eric was in on this.) decided that I needed help if I was ever going to get anywhere with the ladies. So, whilst Kathy was off fetching something or another, they convinced me that the most charming thing a man can do while he's dining with a fair maiden is to...snort like a pig every time she takes a bite of food.
So I did.
ALL through dinner.
And dessert.
Snorting like a pig every time she brought the fork up to her mouth.
Even if my own mouth was full.
I nearly choked on stuffing four times.
So did my uncles, but that was cause they were laughing so hard.
So did Kathy, when it was explained to her by a very pleased with himself 5 year old exactly what the hell that very pleased 5 year old was doing.
So did the rest of the family, when it was explained to them by some very red-faced (from laughter, not embarassment) uncles and a cousin "the cool trick Kenny learned."
So does everyone in the family, when the story is told at every Thanksgiving. No one ever seems to get tired of it. Ever. I'll never escape it.
By the way, it does NOT, I repeat, NOT impress chicks when you do that, guys. I've been trying it with every girl I want to impress my whole life. I think my uncles might have fibbed to me.
So thank you, family, for making sure that, from a very young age, I was armed with the one thing that has carried me through all the rough times in life- a wicked sense of humor.
And for making sure I was a flop with women until...well, still, really.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
-Ken
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